Thoughts To Live By…

Archive for April 2009

Lk 24:35-48 – The Appearance to the Disciples in Jerusalem
Third Sunday of Easter
Sunday Gospel Reflection

The Church in her Catechism teaches: “The resurrection of Jesus is the crowning truth of the Christian faith in Christ, a faith believed and lived as the central truth by the First Christian community; handed as fundamental by Tradition; established by the document of the New Testament; and preached as an essential part of the Paschal mystery along with cross” (cf. CCC 638).

Simply explained, the resurrection of Jesus is so central to our Christian faith because if Christ did not rise from the death our faith is worthless, our teachings and preaching are useless (see 1 Cor 15:17). The resurrection of Jesus is also so central to the salvation we strive, hope and pray for because we are saved not only when we confess with our lips that Jesus is Lord but also when we believe in our hearts that Jesus who suffered and died on the Cross rose on the third day (see Rm 10:9). If Christ did not rise from the dead, then, salvation is not possible. Lastly the resurrection of Jesus is also so central to the building up, spreading of and the continuation of the Church established by Christ here on earth. If Christ did not rise from the dead there would be no more disciples left now. There would be no more Church now.

The resurrection of Jesus is so relevant and meaningful to our Christian faith, salvation and the building up, spreading of and the continuation of the Church but there are theories which had been made attempting to show that the resurrection of Jesus was a fraud or a  myth concocted by the disciples many years later.

One among them is the spiritual resurrection theory. This is the view that Christ’s resurrection was not a real physical resurrection. Proponents of this theory assert that Christ’s body remained in the grave and His real resurrection was spiritual in nature. It was only told this way to illustrate the truth of spiritual resurrection, that is, that Jesus resurrected only in the hearts and minds of the believers by virtue of faith.

How do we refute this? It is clearly wrong to assert that the dead body of Jesus remained in the tomb and like any other dead human body underwent the natural process of decomposition. Considering the biblical account, the physical body of Jesus did disappear from the tomb. If you still remember the first visit of Mary Magdalene early in the morning of Sunday, she only found an empty tomb. She though that somebody has stolen the body of Jesus.

When this was reported to Peter and John they immediately came to see the tomb of Jesus. They found the empty tomb and the undisturbed linen wrappings that covered the body of Jesus and also the soudavrion, the piece of cloth that had covered Jesus’ head, not lying with the other wrappings, but rolled up in one place by itself. But they never found the body of Jesus.

Basically the issue concerns the positioning of the graveclothes as seen by Peter and the other disciple when they entered the tomb. Some have sought to prove that when the disciples saw the graveclothes they were arranged just as they were when around the body, so that when the resurrection took place the resurrected body of Jesus passed through them without rearranging or disturbing them. In this case the reference to the soudavrion being rolled up does not refer to its being folded, but collapsed in the shape it had when wrapped around the head.

All that the condition of the graveclothes indicated was that the body of Jesus had not been stolen by thieves. Anyone who had come to remove the body (whether the authorities or anyone else) would not have bothered to unwrap it before carrying it off. And even if one could imagine that they had (perhaps in search of valuables such as rings or jewelry still worn by the corpse) they would certainly not have bothered to take time to roll up the facecloth and leave the other wrappings in an orderly fashion!

After Peter went ahead and entered the tomb, the Beloved Disciple, who had arrived there first, also entered. When he saw the graveclothes in the condition described in the previous verse, he saw and believed. What was it that the Beloved Disciple believed (since v. 7 describes what he saw)? the Evangelist intends us to understand that when the Beloved Disciple entered the tomb after Peter and saw the state of the graveclothes, he believed in the resurrection, i.e., that Jesus had risen from the dead.

If it was only a spiritual resurrection, then, what happened to the body? Did anyone discover and get custody of any of the remains of Jesus? History shows there was a body there and it disappeared. No one was able to produce the body nor disprove the resurrection.

By itself, the tradition of the “empty tomb” does not prove anything. But when linked to the Risen Christ’s appearances, it is confirmatory of the resurrection (cf. CCC 640). Indeed, the personal appearances of Christ following His resurrection are another overwhelming historical proof. The women and the disciples saw, heard, and even touched the Lord. In fact, 500 brethren saw him at one time (1 Cor. 15:6). Furthermore, the risen Lord even ate with them for two times as reported by the Gospel.

Today’s gospel narrative is about the appearance of Jesus to the two disciples on the road to Emmaus. The two disciples who were on their way to Emmaus came from Jerusalem where Jesus was arrested, imprisoned, punished, crucified and died on the cross. There were filled with sorrow, pain, fear, despair and disillusionment over the death of Jesus whom they considered to be the promised Messiah who set them free from the dominion and oppression of the Roman Empire. It was at this moment of crisis when Jesus suddenly appeared and joined them as they journey towards Emmaus.

As they were on their way to Emmaus, Jesus explained to them that everything that had happened (passion, death and resurrection of Jesus)  in the life of Jesus is a fulfillment of biblical prophecies and in accordance with the Scriptures. Whey they reached the place, they invited Jesus to stay with them because it is nearly evening and the day is almost over. So Jesus went in to stay with them. There and then while he was with them at the table he took bread, broke it, and it gave it to them. With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him, but he vanished from their sight.

The disciples hearts were burning inside when Jesus spoke to them on the road and their  eyes were only fully opened and recognized the Lord during the breaking of the bread. It was during the breaking of the bread that the disciples’ sadness, fear, despair and slowness of understanding are transformed into joyful, fearless and enthusiastic recommitment to  the person, life, works and mission of Jesus. Indeed, the Risen Christ is present and recognized  when the Scriptures is proclaimed , when the bread is broken.

The journey of the two disciples towards Emmaus is, at first, a journey of sorrow, pain, fear and despair. But when they recognized Jesus, the Risen Lord, through the breaking of word and the breaking of the bread the journey towards Emmaus is a journey of encountering, discovering and welcoming the risen Lord into their hearts in faith. It becomes a journey from sorrow to joy, from fear to courage, from ignorance to faith, from despair to hope.

Jesus had been with his disciples all the way, and they did not recognize Him. Isn’t this our life too. We fail to recognize how close the Lord is to us all the time. Maybe we don’t even recognize him in the breaking of the Bread, the Eucharist and in the breaking of the Word. Maybe we don’t even recognize him in the person of the priest and in the people around us especially the poor, the needy and the suffering. Maybe we don’t even recognize him in the Bread that we eat during communion and the Blessed Sacrament inside the Tabernacle.

Every time we celebrate the Eucharistic sacrifice of the body and blood of Christ which he entrusted to the Church to perpetuate his saving sacrifice on the cross and in order to apply the fruit of redemption to all men and women of all ages and of all nations, let us ask God to open our eyes so that we may be able to acknowledge him in the person of the priest, in the words being proclaimed, in the Eucharistic bread and wine especially during the elevation of the body and blood of Christ, communion, holy hour and Eucharistic adoration, and lastly, in our neighbor especially in the poor, the needy and the suffering.

Then let us also exert all our efforts to make our Eucharistic celebration active, conscious and full in order to make it meaningful and fruitful to the extent that we will be nourished, strengthened and empowered by the words of God and the Eucharist which is a memorial of his death and resurrection: a sacrament of love, a sign of unity,  a bond of charity, a Paschal banquet ‘in which Christ is consumed, the mind is filled with grace, and a pledge of future glory is given to us” (SC 47).

By Dr. Maoshing Ni – Posted on Thu, Apr 16, 2009, 4:06 pm PDT

Trying to change your habits and routines can be daunting, even when you know the changes are for the better. Try these 8 simple switches below to slim down and live a long and healthy life.

1. Swap green tea for coffee
For many people, the first thing they reach for in the morning is coffee. Caffeine acts as a CNS (central nervous system) stimulant, causing you to experience stress, anxiety, a racing mind, and even insomnia. For a calmer energy boost, cut the coffee and go for green tea. On average, a cup of green tea contains about one sixth of the amount of caffeine you would get from the same cup of coffee. Even better, green tea is full of powerful antioxidants that ward off cancer, and tea is a proven preventive and treatment for atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries).  Also, when combined with exercise, green tea can help you lose weight.

2. Try trailmix in place of fatty snacks
Carry dried fruits and nuts with you as healthy snacks to replace any unhealthy ones you usually eat. Just a handful every day can help improve circulation and muscle tone. Research shows that many of these nuts and seeds are rich sources of vitamin E, lignans, and omega-3 fatty acids, which help prevent heart disease and protect you from the ravages of aging.

3. Switch brown rice for white rice
Modern staples around the world often include refined bread, pasta, rice, and corn. These carbohydrates that have been found to be the culprits in serious conditions like diabetes, stroke, and heart disease, arthritis, and allergies. And there is no question that refined carbohydrates contribute directly to weight gain. So change to whole grains to get complex carbohydrates; said another way, swap “white” for “brown”. Substitute white rice, bread, and pasta with brown rice, whole wheat bread, and whole wheat pasta. Other “browns” will bring you anti-aging benefits also. Quinoa and amaranth are two tasty grains rich in protein and easy to cook. Millet, sorghum, and buckwheat are packed with B vitamins.

4. Swap fish for red meat

Red meat does have some health benefits-when eaten in moderation. However, studies have shown that men and women who eat meat every day are three times as likely to develop breast cancer and prostate cancer as those who almost never eat high-fat animal foods. Of all animal products, fish is the healthiest because of its high protein and low-fat content. The omega-3 fatty acids in fish, along with other nutrients, protect blood vessels from plaque, reduce inflammation, and prevent high blood pressure. If you just can’t leave the red meat behind, choose only free-range, grass-fed, and hormone- and antibiotic-free lean meat, and eat it no more than three times a week.

5. Use olive oil instead of butter
Butter is the bad kind of fat. Also included in this saturated fat category: peanut oil, coconut oil, palm kernel oil, and lard. All of these elevate cholesterol and triglyceride levels, leading to an increased chance of heart attack and stroke. Switch for olive oil or one of the other monounsaturated fats, which increase good cholesterol and protect you from heart disease and premature skin aging. Others include canola oil, rice bran oil, walnut oil, flaxseed oil, peanut oil, and sesame oil. Like butter on your bread? Try hummus instead.

6. Swap sweet potatoes for potatoes
While filling, potatoes just do not contain the nutritional benefits of sweet potatoes. Yams and sweet potatoes are powerhouse foods that contain higher amounts of beta-carotene and vitamin C than carrots, more protein than wheat and rice, and more fiber than oat bran. They are also rich in plant DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone)-a precursor hormone that is essential for the body’s anti-aging defenses to work.

7. Swap berries for refined sweets
The average American consumes nearly 240 pounds of sugar per year. Most of the excess sugar from candies, pastries, sodas, and other refined sweets end up being stored as fat in your body, resulting in weight gain and elevating heart disease and cancer risk. Instead, satisfy your sweet tooth with a berry tasty treat: blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, cranberries, and cherries. Berries are rich in antioxidants that fight free radicals and can also help remove toxic residue from the system, which is often the cause of chronic fatigue and low energy.

8. Switch to water in place of soda
Soda pop is very high in phosphorus, which in excess actually causes calcium loss from your bones, possibly leading you to osteoporosis. Diet soda is filled with artificial sweeteners such as aspartame or saccharin, which have shown dangerous results in tests with laboratory animals. Your best beverage is filtered water, which flushes your system of the chemicals and toxins that you encounter every day. If water by itself doesn’t appeal, turn to juice and tea. One caution about fruit juice is that it tends to be filled with sugar. Cut back on sugar content by watering down your juice: one part juice to three parts filtered water. Unsweetened herbal tea, brimming with health benefits, is another way to go. For a selection of healthy teas that promote total body wellness, click here.

Make these switches and you are on your way to a healthier you!

May you live long, live strong, and live happy!

–Dr. Mao

John 20:19-31 – Appearance to the Disciples
Second Sunday of Easter

When the other disciples reported to Thomas what had happened, telling him that they had seen the resurrected Jesus, Thomas did not believe on account of their testimony, however. He flatly refused to believe that Jesus had risen from the dead unless he could see the nail marks in Jesus’ hands and put his hand into the spear wound in Jesus’ side.

Eight days later the disciples were again together behind closed doors. This time Thomas was present with the other disciples. Jesus (who is portrayed as knowing precisely what Thomas had said previously about what it would take to make him believe) now turned to Thomas and offered him the opportunity to touch the nail marks in his hands and the spear wound in his side. He, then, exhorted him,  “do not be unbelieving but believe” (Jn 20:27).  Thomas’ answered and said to him, “My Lord and my God”! (Jn 20:28).

Thomas’ statement, while it may have been an exclamation, does in fact confess the faith which he had previously lacked. Thomas’ reply is not simply an exclamation: it is an assertion, an admirable act of faith in the divinity of Christ: “My Lord and my God!”

Thomas’ confession, is the culmination of the gospel’s Christology, since it acknowledges the crucified/exalted Jesus as “Lord and God” (other acclamations in the Gospel, 1:49; 4:42; 6:69; 9:37-38; 11:27; 16:30; see cf. JBC 61:235). The Fourth Gospel opened with many other titles for Jesus: the Lamb of God (1:29, 36); the Son of God (1:34, 49); Rabbi (1:38); Messiah (1:41); the King of Israel (1:49); the Son of Man (1:51). Now the climax is reached with the proclamation by Thomas, “My Lord and my God.”  Thomas’ confession of faith  has become the ejaculatory prayer often used by Christians all over the world, especially as an act of faith in the real presence of Christ in the Blessed Eucharist.

It is significant that Jesus does not reject or modify Thomas’ confession. Instead he accepts it approvingly but reprimands Thomas for demanding such a sign before he will believe (Jn 20:25; cf. 4:48). He should believe in the basis of the word which has been spoken to him by others (e.g., 17:20;  see cf. JBC 61:235).

Jesus in saying those words concludes that those Christians who have believed without seeing have the same faith which is in no way different from that of the first disciples. These refer to the  future disciples who would believe without the benefit of seeing but have come to believe in Jesus through the words of his disciples and their successors.

As we celebrate today the Second Sunday of Easter, let us heed the Lord’s exhortation to stop our unbelief and beg Him to increase our faith so that, like Thomas, we can also acclaim the highest Christological confession of faith, “My Lord and my God!,” that resounded throughout all history (Jn 20:28). When we are in doubt let us learn from Thomas who has recovered from the crisis caused by doubt and imitate his example. Few moments from now, we will witness the priest prays the consecration and elevates the body and blood of Jesus, let us be one in heart and mind with Thomas the Apostle in acclaiming, “My Lord and God!” (Jn 20:28). 

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S INAUGURATION SYMBOLIZED, in part, fulfillment of one of America’s noblest dreams—the dream of racial equality.
Fittingly, President Obama took the oath of office at the same site where Martin Luther King Jr. had given his legendary “I Have a Dream” speech almost 45 years earlier.

An estimated 1.9 million onlookers gathered at the National Mall to witness the historic swearing in of America’s first black president. The spectators came from every corner of the country and every continent of the globe to witness King’s dream on display.

Although the United States cannot claim perfection in race relations, there’s no denying the country has made substantial progress in the 45 years since Martin Luther King Jr. articulated his dream of racial equality.

What made King’s dream so potent? How did his dream mobilize a movement that so radically changed American society?

Reasons why MLK’s dream passed the test:

1) King’s dream was rooted in serving others. Nearly everyone gives assent to the dreams of eradicating poverty, ending war and eliminating racism, but seldom does a man or woman devote his or her life entirely to a cause. To be frank, it’s hard to live for something beyond our petty self-interests.
Throughout his life, Martin Luther King pushed himself beyond a quest for personal gain to seek social justice in America. People bought into his dream, because they bought into the dreamer. They saw his personal sacrifices and rallied to his side.

All too often, leaders fall prey to the trappings of power, and their dreams stray into self-centeredness. King was able to keep his leadership focused on serving society. By seeing himself small, he amplified his dream into an immensely powerful vision for the future.

2) King had a clear strategy for his dream. To expose the evils of racism, King’s central strategy involved mass demonstrations of civil disobedience and emphasized the tactic of nonviolent protest. Civil rights demonstrators were coached not to retaliate when struck, and were taught to shield themselves from blows rained upon them.

At no point were they to fight back against their aggressors.

The strategy worked wonders. Images of defenseless protestors being attacked by police dogs and beaten with nightsticks pricked the conscience of the nation.

The appalling scenes of violence motivated many to enlist in the civil rights movement. Thanks to King’s firm but restrained leadership, the United States was forced to confront the ugliness of racism, yet was spared from widespread race warfare.

3) King paid the price for his dream. Chasing the dream came at a steep price for King. He was arrested more than 20 times on dubious charges, and he was assaulted physically on four occasions. His home was bombed, and he and his family faced countless death threats.

On April 4, 1968, Martin Luther King Jr. paid the ultimate price for his dream when he was assassinated outside of his hotel room in Memphis, TN. Although the man died, the dream lives on. Americans of every color and creed can be grateful for Martin Luther King Jr., and the legacy his dream has given to our country.

(Attend Developing The Leader Within You Workshop on April 29-30 at the Edsa Shangri-La Hotel with Maxwell-Certified Trainer Francis Kong. Call 6872614 or 09178511115. You also can e-mail

Don’t Believe the Health Hype: Six Fallacies Debunked
By Maxine Hurt (View Profile)

By this time, you know that you should never skip breakfast, all carbs are not bad for you, fasting is a dubious get-thin-quick solution with negative short- and long-term repercussions, and cutting up your food up into tiny pieces before eating it doesn’t decrease your caloric intake, despite what Alicia Silverstone’s diet-obsessed character in Clueless says. But just when you think you’ve found a clear path in the labyrinth world of fitness, nutrition, and health, a whole new set of myths, exaggerations, and flat out lies pop up, ready to thwart your wellness goals. This means that you have to be forever vigilant, separating the bad information from the good to ensure that your health doesn’t suffer as a result. Here are a few common fallacies explored to help you stay on track.

1. I should exercise in my “fat burning zone.”
You hop on the elliptical machine at the gym and study the console’s colorful diagram. Without making a single rotation, the words “Fat Burning Zone” cause your heartbeat to accelerate. A special zone that allows me to burn more fat? Perfect! So you accelerate, check your heart rate, then decelerate and peddle cautiously to ensure you never leave the fat burning zone. According to Michael Brazeal, Director of Fitness and Exercise Physiologist at the California Health and Longevity Institute at the Four Seasons Hotel Westlake Village, California, you’ve been misled. “Yes, at low levels of exercise, a greater percentage of the calories burned come from fat, whereas at higher levels of exercise intensity a greater percentage of the calories burned come from carbohydrate combustion. But the bottom line is that it’s all about calories and creating an energy imbalance—your body doesn’t care where the calories come from.”

Brazeal explains that when he measures his clients’ resting metabolic rates (the energy required to perform vital body functions such as respiration and heart rate), a higher percentage of calories burned come from fat combustion. This means that you would be in the optimal “fat burning zone” when watching TV on the couch or lying in a hammock by the beach. Obviously, that’s not going to help you with your health goals. Instead, Brazeal, whose advice is evidence-based and substantiated by scientific research, tells his clients, “Exercise vigorously. Get the most out of it.”

2. If I focus on abdominal exercises, I will lose inches off of my waistline.
Remember the video of the woman in the pink leotard trying to trim her waist by being violently jiggled by a vibrating belt machine? Guess what? It didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now. According to Brazeal, “There is no such thing as spot reduction unless you know a great plastic surgeon. But you can spot tone the musculature beneath the fat.” Performing leg lifts, abdominal crunches, or bicep curls will, overtime, increase the muscle’s strength and may change the physical appearance of the area. Your biceps may appear larger or smaller depending on your genetics and exercise routine, but it is the muscle mass that has changed, not the fat surrounding it.

According to Brazeal, “The best way to get rid of fat is by doing cardio exercise—long duration, vigorous cardio exercise.” So you can abercize, ab-tone, abdominalize, ab-crunch, ab-sculpt, and ab-burn for days, but as for losing inches off of your waist in the process, you better go running, jump on the elliptical machine, or take a spin class.

3. If I do too much weight training, I’m going to look like Schwarzenegger.
Many women like having a toned body, but don’t want a bulky one. As a result, we are suspicious of weight training, scared that the end result will be an overly muscled, Amazonian physique ideal for winning body building competitions. According to Brazeal, that’s a fallacy. “Due to hormonal differences, very few women are capable of achieving exaggerated muscle hypertrophy which is an increase in muscle mass caused by resistance training. Unless you are on some type of supplement, you are not going to bulk up,” says Brazeal.

Rather than worrying about bulking up, women should be more cognizant of realistic fitness challenges more likely to plague them like saddlebags, the deposits of fat that settle around the hips, butt, and thighs. According to Brazeal, one reason to go all out with weight training is because it’ll help you in the future. “Muscle is metabolically active. The more muscle you have, the more calories that you burn.” So although spot training alone won’t get rid of saddlebags, weight training in general will make your body an efficient calorie burning machine which will help you reach your long-term fitness goals. 

4. If I eat meals from the low calorie menu at a restaurant, I’m being responsible.
Just as decadent chocolate desserts tempt us, so do the words guiltless, low fat, low calorie, and heart healthy when they’re printed on the menus at our favorite restaurants. But relinquishing control of what you eat is always suspect no matter how convincing the marketing campaign. According to registered dietician Anne Stone of Thousand Oaks, California, “If you want to lose weight, you have to reduce the frequency that you eat out, because even though something is advertised as a guiltless menu item, studies have recently been showing that it depends on who is preparing the food that day and how carefully they are following the guidelines.”

In one investigation conducted in 2008 by Local 6 News in Orlando, Florida, the station’s reporter packed and shipped food content from eight different meals from popular restaurants to scientists at Analytical Laboratories in Boise, Idaho. The laboratory reports revealed that in all but one of the eight meals, there were more calories in the meals than advertised. Some meals were around one hundred calories over the marketed amount. In two of the meals, there were over 80 percent more calories in the supposedly low calorie fare. This is clearly a good argument for preparing your own meals at home whenever possible.

5. If I want to lose weight, I can’t go wrong by eating lots of salads.
The salad myth is wrong for two reasons: salads can be just as high in calories and fat as any other meal (especially when ordered at a restaurant) and your body can feel deprived when it doesn’t receive meals that incorporate all three major food groups. This can cause you to munch relentlessly later on. Stone, who is familiar with this mindset, tells her clients, “You’d be better be off never ordering salads unless it’s a garden salad on the side of your turkey sandwich. I’m a big believer in sandwiches; they are very filling, they look like a meal, and they taste like a meal.” Stone looks beyond the calories in/calories out weight loss equation into murkier psychological waters. “Psychologically, it’s more satisfying to eat a sandwich. Our body likes all of the three major food groups: carbohydrates, protein, and vegetables.” According to Stone, as long as you make smart choices when ordering or making a sandwich (whole grain bread and hold the mayo for example), they are the clear winners over salads.

6. At least I don’t have to worry about heart disease; that’s a man’s problem.
Not only is this assumption wrong, it’s potentially deadly. When you learn that of the approximately 870,000 people who die annually of cardiovascular disease, almost 450,000 are women, it’s clear that this is also a woman’s problem. According to Brazeal, “It’s not that a man is the poster child. The thing is that women show different symptoms and signs. They will go into their physician and complain of fatigue, lethargy, insomnia, stress, and oftentimes the physician will dismiss these symptoms as stress-related, write a prescription for Xanax or Zoloft, and send her on her way.”

Not having overt symptoms can confound the problem. According to the American Heart Association, 64 percent of women who die suddenly of coronary heart disease have no previous symptoms. Similarly, women still see it as a man’s disease. Historically, most of the research on cardiovascular disease was performed predominantly on middle-aged men. Ironically, only thirty years ago, a 1960s American Heart Association conference in Oregon devoted to women and cardiovascular disease was titled, “How Can I Help My Husband Cope with Heart Disease?” Help him, but know that you need to stay informed and help yourself as well.

Although there are many misleading claims made about fitness and health, sometimes our worst saboteurs are ourselves. Yes, it’s easier to tell yourself you’re avoiding bulking up by not weight training, but in the end, the right choices will always produce the right results.–six

Infidelity myths debunked by relationship researchers
By Dana Hudepohl for Redbook Updated: Dec 19, 2008

“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” “People cheat when they’re unhappy at home.” “If your mate cheats, you’ll know.” We’ve all heard these bits of conventional wisdom; they’re comforting, in a strange way. But they’re all wrong, say the experts who study infidelity. What’s worse, believing these myths can do a lot of harm, because it gets in the way of your preventing, spotting, and recovering from infidelity. (Yes, recovering — contrary to popular belief, an affair doesn’t have to destroy a relationship.) We’ve unraveled the latest research so you can protect your relationship with the facts.

Myth #1: There’s a “cheater” profile.

The reality: With the right trigger circumstances, anyone is susceptible to cheating. “There are as many different profiles as there are people who have affairs,” says Douglas Snyder, Ph.D., a couples therapist and a professor of psychology at Texas A and M University. Yet the myth persists that there’s a recognizable “type” of person who’s unfaithful. That’s why it took Linda Mitchell, 43, a personal trainer in Monroe, OH, by such surprise when she found out her first mate was having an affair. “He never did anything to lead me to think he would cheat,” she says. “He’d bring me flowers, tell me how beautiful I was and what a great partner I was.”

While some people are chronic philanderers, it’s more common to unintentionally wind up in an affair. “People who have accidental affairs have no thoughts of being unfaithful,” says Snyder. “It’s not even consistent with their values system, but the opportunity presents itself.” Maybe a coworker hits on you during a business trip when you’re stressed, or your cute handyman compliments you when you’re getting over a fight with your mate.

“Here’s the best way to prevent affairs: Rather than saying, ‘We will never have one,’ instead think of the kind of person, situation and mood that would make you vulnerable,” says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a marital therapist and author of “Getting It Right This Time: How to Create a Loving and Lasting Marriage.” Maybe you’re so nurturing that you’d be vulnerable helping a neighbor whose wife just died, while your fun-loving sister would be susceptible during a trip to Las Vegas. It may feel contrived or scary, but having this tough conversation with your partner can help you both recognize chancy situations and be on guard.

You can also stay in safe territory with friends of the opposite sex by not confiding personal things, like airing complaints about your mate, and not keeping anything about those friendships secret. “You know you’ve crossed a line if you don’t want your mate to know about whatever you’re talking about with this person,” says Tina Pittman Wagers, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor at the University of Colorado at Boulder. “If it starts feeling like that, then you need to pull back and reestablish closeness with your mate.”

Myth #2: It’s men who cheat.

The reality: While baby-boomer men do cheat more, women in their 20s and 30s have affairs just as frequently as men their age, according to new research. One reason: More women are working. When you have a job, you’ve got more financial freedom, which could make you more comfortable taking a gamble with your relationship. You also have opportunity; around 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men who have affairs cheat with someone from work.

Myth #3: Long-term boredom leads to an affair.

The reality: Michael, 34, a lawyer in Tampa, says his wife started having an affair before the couple’s two-year anniversary. “I never, ever thought that would happen,” says Michael. Yet the so-called honeymoon period is actually a high-risk time for infidelity. “More people have affairs the first two years of marriage than any other time,” says McCarthy. Women may experiment with a comparison affair: Would I be better off with this guy? Did I make a mistake in marrying my spouse? Men, on the other hand, are likely to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with their relationship. Thanks to their upbringing or their circle of friends, they may believe that’s just what guys do.

An early affair may be just a last fling that a couple can work through, but it’s more likely a wake-up call to a person that his or her partner has a fundamentally different model of monogamy, says Wagers. Still, newlywed affairs don’t have to spell doom. If both partners decide that they want to give their union another shot, it’s important to figure out what factors contributed to the affair and whether there’s any hope for changing them.

Myth #4: A man is driven to infidelity when he’s not happy in his relationship.

The reality: It’s true that the majority of women who’ve had an affair reported being physically and emotionally disengaged from their partners for at least a year before the affair. But more than half of men involved in affairs reported being happy or very happy in their marriages prior to cheating, according to a survey by the late Shirley Glass, Ph.D., noted infidelity researcher and author of NOT “Just Friends.” Lots of other factors weigh into a guy’s decision to start an affair, including chemistry, opportunity and poor impulse control. “I counseled a couple where the husband’s younger coworker made a pass at him when they were at a conference and he accepted,” says Wagers. “Even though he felt close to his wife and he felt like he had a good marriage, he was excited and flattered that this woman who was 15 years younger found him attractive.”

Many cheaters do blame their actions on a less-than-perfect home life, but researchers say they’re just rewriting history. “Often times these are retrospective reports that are now having to justify how it is that the partner violated vows,” says Snyder. Granted, lots of cheaters are unhappy on some level in their marriages. But so are many men and women who don’t have affairs. “Infidelity isn’t the only road,” says Wagers. “If you’re not satisfied in your marriage, you might also be driven to talk to your partner.” That’s why therapists say it’s so important to stay in touch with each other. For you, that might mean setting aside 20 minutes every night to talk about your day, your differences and your dreams. “It’s the whole idea of staying close to your spouse,” says Wagers. “The more disconnected you get from the relationship, the easier it is to slide down the slippery slope of infidelity.”

Myth #5: Adulterers find lasting happiness with their affair partners.

The reality: No matter how blissful they feel, affair pairings rarely get to happily ever after. A whopping 75 percent of affair partners who marry end up divorced. For one thing, the qualities that attract you to an affair partner — like impulsiveness or extravagance — might be the polar opposite of what makes you happy long-term. And during affairs, lovers are under the spell of chemical changes in their bodies that make them feel euphoric — feelings that are exaggerated even more by the secrets they’re keeping. They’re in a type of fantasy world, focusing only on each other and not getting bogged down in day-to-day stuff like bills and child rearing. “Somebody may seem like a soul mate when it’s all fresh and shiny,” says Wagers. “But you can’t assume the new-car smell is going to last 15 years.”

Myth #6: Betrayed partners know on some level when their partners are fooling around.

The reality: In many cases, the betrayed mate is totally in the dark. “A lot of cheating partners are really invested in keeping this secret and are very good at lying,” says Wagers. So true, says Dayle DeCillo, 39, a mother of five in Mission Viejo, CA, who had zero suspicion that her husband of 11 years was unfaithful — until she discovered him with another woman. “I was blindsided,” she says. “He was a paramedic and firefighter, and was gone a lot, either ‘working’ or ‘working out.’ I was never concerned he wasn’t where he said he was.”

DeCillo simply made the same assumptions most people do: You assume you’re trustworthy and your mate is, too. The possibility that he could stray isn’t even on your mind, so you don’t get suspicious if he says he has to work late or go on a golf trip with his buddies. Usually it’s not until the affair is out in the open that the betrayed mate can go back and give new meaning to history.

It’s also common after an affair is exposed for the betrayed mate to feel like he or she is facing a new truth: You never can be sure whether your partner will cheat. In reality, it’s a truth that was there all along.

Five essential tips to prevent infidelity:

1. Be each other’s number one confidant. You shouldn’t be sharing private thoughts with others that you’re not sharing with your mate.

2. Make time to connect on a regular basis. Daily moments of connection help you build a sense of togetherness and shared purpose.

3. Don’t let family time squeeze out just-the-two-of-you time. Relationships that are too child-centered are at high risk for an affair.

4. Recognize when you’re temporarily attracted to someone else. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship — or that you have to act on it.

5. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your relationship. If you’re ever tempted and don’t feel like you can tell your mate, you’ll have someone else to confide in who will steer you straight. And if one of you does stray, you’ll have a strong support network to help you put your relationship back together.

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

April 2009


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