Thoughts To Live By…

Archive for the ‘Men and Women’ Category

Author: Emma Sarran

Let me start by being completely, um, honest. Every once in a while, we ladies have been known to play a little fast and loose with the truth around you guys. Believe me, we do it with the purest of intentions (really!). And rather than try to change us, your best bet—for keeping your woman happy and your sanity intact—is to simply recognize what’s going on and be smooth about it. With that in mind, here are seven lies we commonly tell men, and how to handle them. Just trust me on this stuff, OK?

1. “Give me your completely honest opinion…”

Now would be a good time to fake a heart attack.

What we really mean: “Tell me what I want to hear.

What to do about it: I know, it’s confusing as hell. We say “seriously,” and “I really want the truth,” but the chances that we actually want the truth are about as good as the chances you want us to tell you that it’s OK, size really doesn’t matter. There are even times when women think we’re prepared for honesty and even then, when it comes out, it just plain sucks. So err on the side of safety (and of grateful-for-the-white-lie affection), and tell me…I’m hotter than that chick, this dress does not make my butt look big, my mom isn’t overbearing at all…and you’ll be golden.

2. “I’m fine. Really.”

Hint: if there are tissues involved, she’s probably not fine.

What we really mean: “I’m as far from fine as can be.”

What to do about it: No matter how much it may seem we want you to leave us alone with that simple statement, we don’t. The worst thing you can do in this situation is say, “OK, good,” and end the conversation. Instead, we want you to show some serious concern until we’re ready to actually voice what’s wrong. It’s all about making us feel like our happiness is a priority. Want some extra points? Throw in a line about how you’re not going anywhere until you’re sure everything is OK. We. Will. Swoon.

3. “I’ve slept with X number of guys.”

Way to go, buddy! You picked the perfect shade for that wall.

What we really mean: “I’ve slept with just a few more than X number of guys.”

What to do about it: Remember the “rule of three” made famous by American Pie? (Guys have slept with three fewer women than they say, and vice versa.) Well, the magic number may not always be three, but the idea is founded in truth.  The reason we omit a few escapades from our history is because we’re ever fearful of being seen as “easy”—and don’t they all say that easy girls don’t land the guys in the long run? Want the truth? Make us feel confident that your opinion of us doesn’t lie with our sexual history—and that no matter how many guys we’ve been with in the past, we’re still pure in your eyes. Simply reaffirming those things (and consistent acts of chivalry—flowers, romantic dates, time with our families and friends to show your interest outside of sex), will have us more inclined to be honest about our pasts, and to keep our bedroom doors open.

4. “Yeah, that was GREAT. I totally got off.”

“What is it, honey? I promise to work harder on my pecs!”

What we really mean: “That was good, but I didn’t get off and I probably won’t. Now I’m tired and ready to spoon.”

What to do about it: Don’t take it personally (well, unless this is a regular occurrence—then, you might want to try some new in-bed strategies). Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen for us—and that doesn’t mean the sex wasn’t good. Don’t badger us about what exactly was so “GREAT.” Simply accept our evaluation for the day and move on.

5. Oh my God, I LOVE sports!

Just in it for the buffalo wings, we’re guessing.

What we really mean: “I love putting on a cute jersey and tossing back red-headed sluts while my hometown team is winning.”

What to do about it: Just humor us. It’s fun to jump on the sports bandwagon—and yes, sometimes we might be trying to impress you and your Sunday-Funday-inclined friends by joining in on the debauchery. But, chances are if you ask me any details about stats or players (at least post the championship ’90s Chicago Bulls dream team—yes, I’m looking at you, BJ Armstrong), I’ll come up short. So, invite me to hang when you’re heading to your favorite sports bar every once in a while, and save the quizzes for your equally obsessed buds.

6. “Sure, go out and have a guys’ night!”

Her worst nightmare: you having fun without her.

What we really mean: “I’d really rather you hang out with me.”

What to do about it: It’s not that we don’t want you to have your own friends, or your own life. We just want it to fit conveniently into our own lives. Translation: please try to plan your guys’ nights to align with my girls’ nights—and prepare for me to call and text you to meet up once my girlfriends start taking shots and pairing off with the gropey guys on the dance floor. Another good time to hang out with your boys: when I’m out of town (though I’ll still secretly wish you were sitting in your apartment moping and waiting for my nightly phone call).

7. “I’ve never cheated on anyone.”

She’s not cheating. They’re just really good arm-wrestling buddies.

What we really mean: “I may have cheated on someone before, but I’m afraid that if tell you, you won’t think of me as sweet and relationship-worthy anymore.”

What to do about it: Let’s face it—throughout time, we women have been scarred by the idea of guys who just want to get us into their beds, but keep our toothbrushes as far from their places as possible. You “relationship” guys are few and far between, so sue us if we’re inclined to hold on tightly when we find one of you. And part of that may mean keeping mum on that one little slip-up we had after the sophomore year foam party. It’s possible that, if you sincerely assure us it won’t affect our current goings-on, we’ll tell you the truth—but don’t count on it. The fear of losing a could-be great love is one a lady doesn’t take lightly.

It may be time to upgrade your deodorant to extra-strength. Scientists have found that women’s B.O. smells like onion or grapefruit (we’ll take “grapefruit,” please). On a grosser note, men’s armpit funk was described as smelling like cheese.

The researchers had men and women either sit in a sauna or ride an exercise bike and then took samples of their sweat. Women’s perspiration contained high amounts of a sulfurous compound that when mixed with armpit bacteria creates a scent similar to an onion. Men, on the other hand, ooze more fatty acids, which combine with armpit enzymes to turn their underarms into mini Stilton (ol) factories.

It is thought that the study’s results can be used to make more distinctly gender-customized deodorants. This is good news, since a team of independent testers thought that lady-sweat smelled worse than man-sweat. Hurry up science, please, we don’t want to smell like an appetizer from a chain restaurant anymore.


July 2020


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