Thoughts To Live By…

Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

Throughout life, there are times when we may come across an individual or a situation where a person is very dominant, controlling and possibly even manipulative. Sometimes it is a boss who doesn’t allow us to voice our opinions. Sometimes it is a family member who is very demanding and finds ways to get us to manipulate us into doing what they want. And sometimes, it may be a friend who is very pushy and demands that others do things their way, on their time schedule, forgetting that those around them are affected in the process.

This can frustrate us, making us feel stifled, and worst of all, powerless. And although it may come to a head only once in awhile, if we are in a relationship or friendship where this happens on a frequent basis, it can take a toll, and we can lose our sense of worth and even worse, sense of self. It can be debilitating. The only way we can avoid these feelings is to take the power back, and empower ourselves.

Let’s take an illustrative example of a friend who is perpetually late. You find it irritating and inconsiderate. Moreover, you resent the fact that her perpetual lateness causes you to be late as well. With this example in mind, here are six steps to empower yourself out of her control:

  1. Take Charge of Your Life: The only person who can really control your life is you. Start acknowledging how you feel about these situations. Start making decisions for yourself and prioritizing what is important to you. Example: Admit that your friend’s lateness bothers you. Think about the ideal situation and how you would like it to play out. Picture it in your mind.
  2. Set Goals: Setting goals allows us to stay true to what is important to us. Goals can be big or small. Whatever the case, create goals that are important to you and don’t let anyone else hurt your chances of reaching them. Example: If there is an event or function that you want to be on time for, set a goal that you will be on time no matter what.
  3. State Your Opinion/Thought/Preference: Once you have a goal in mind, state it out loud. State it to yourself and to the other person so they know where you stand. Be clear in voicing your expectation, and don’t leave anything up to the imagination by assuming the person understands what you want. Example: State to the individual who is always late that it is very important to you that you are on time for the event. Let them know you are willing to go without them if they aren’t ready in time.
  4. Stand Your Ground: Wishywashiness isn’t going to help you in these situations. Don’t back down from what you believe, feel or want. Stand your ground and follow through with your plan to ensure your goal is met. Example: If the other person is late, leave without them. If you don’t, they will continue to assume that it is okay to push their schedule on you.
  5. Stop Relying on Others for Approval: Part of what allows us to be ruled by others is that we want their approval. The reality is, if you respect yourself and stand up for what you want, then others will start respecting you more for it.  Example: If after you leave and the other person gets upset. Make it clear that you informed them you would leave without them. Don’t apologize. You did what was important to you and you stayed true to yourself.
  6. Let go: There will be times when these steps aren’t always possible. You might just find that a relationship is repetitively one-sided in consideration. Instead of getting upset, let go. Realize that the person isn’t going to change and that you have the power to not let it bother you. Find ways to ensure that you take care of yourself. Example: If the person continues to be late for everything, stay true to your priority and start going alone and stop caring. Let go of the feelings and just accept them for who they are and start empowering yourself to be the on-time person you want to be.

Empowering yourself is important. Waiting for others to empower you gets you nowhere. Have you had a relationship where you felt you had no power? What did you do to address the situation?

http://www.sheerbalance.com/brettsblog/2009/03/08/6-steps-to-stop-being-manipulated/

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Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn’t so.  Personally, I’ve had moments where I’ll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I’ll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails.  Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative.  Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional.  Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives.  And, although we are all human and have our ‘issues,’ some ‘issues’ are quite frankly, toxic.  They are toxic to our happiness.  They are toxic to our mental outlook.  They are toxic to our self-esteem.  And they are toxic to our lives.  They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics.  Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late.  These individuals figure out what your ‘buttons’ are, and push them to get what they want.

  • Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem.  They find ways to make you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation.  The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them.  They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met.  You often want to say to them “It isn’t always about you.”

  • Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust.  You are left disappointed and unfulfilled.  Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can’t appreciate the positive in life.  If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast.  If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they’ll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

  • Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything.  Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity.  Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive.  If you find people’s unique perspectives refreshing, they find them ‘wrong’.  If you like someone’s eclectic taste, they find it ‘disturbing’ or ‘bad’.

  • Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers.  In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over.  If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring.  Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can’t do it.  As you achieve, they try to pull you down.  As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

  • Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be.  Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.  Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere.  You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh.  You feel depressed and sad and they give you a ‘there, there’ type response.  You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

  • Why they are toxic: People who aren’t sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria.  This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships.  When you are really in need of a friend, they won’t be there.  When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are.  When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways.  In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies.  Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you.  Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business.  Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

  • Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don’t respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy.  These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy.  They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you.  They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

  • Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process.  They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.  1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.  2) Unfortunately, most of these people don’t see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.  3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity.  If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you’ll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities?  What have you done?  Any personalities you would add?

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078/

It’s not a complicated process to keep a man happy. Here, you’ll learn simple (and free) gestures to show that you care.

By dating blogger Ryan Dodge for Glamour Updated: May 7, 2009

As someone who can barely calculate a tip, I don’t have much to add to the conversation about our tanking economy. But I would like to share one little piece of wisdom I picked up from my favorite social economists: you can’t buy me love. Corny but true. Don’t believe me? Try one of my five patented Romance Enhancers — if you don’t think they’re more effective than a gift card, I’ll send you a full refund.

#1: Touch His Arm

There are a lot of ways to subtly let a guy know you’re into him, like maintaining eye contact, playing with your hair, and smiling a lot. But the only one that sends shivers down my spine is when a girl touches my arm during conversation. It always surprises me, and it’s always great.

#2: Send Him a Random Text Message in Midday.

OK, this might not be free depending on your cell phone plan, but it’s still a great value. Nothing breaks the monotony of a long workday like a flirty note from someone special, and unless his job is super-intense he’ll have plenty of time to daydream about you.

#3: Ask Him a Question About Something He Knows a Lot About

Dating news flash: Guys like to show off for you. So if your dude could use an ego boost, there’s nothing like letting him feel like an expert. Ask him about fishing, the 1983 Chicago White Sox, or the mating habits of the Guyanese Bullfinches — whatever he’s into. Just remember to nod frequently and look really interested.

#4: Give Him a Very Specific Compliment

Telling a guy he’s funny, handsome, or smart is always appreciated, but the reallymeaningful compliments are the ones that reveal how well you know him.compliments are the ones that reveal how well you know him. Something like “I love the way your face scrunches up when you’re doing the crossword puzzle” or “You have the most manly calves I’ve ever seen.”

#5: Send Him the Diary Entry You Wrote After Your First Date — or Write One Now


One of the best things about having a girlfriend is reminiscing about what you thought about each other in the beginning of your relationship. Reliving all of the uncertainty and anxiety is strangely exhilarating. I can’t think of a better anniversary present than a sanctioned peek into the documented thoughts of someone I care about.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24293/dating-tips-5-easy-ways-to-make-men-smile

When is it time to say, “My relationship is in trouble, and we need help?” How do you know when that time is?

By Sharon Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T, for www.hitchedmag.com Updated: Dec 9, 2008

When couples wait too long to ask for help, the relationship may be beyond repair. The sooner help is sought, the better chance there is of recovering, saving and actually strengthening the relationship. This includes issues dealing with affairs or other types of betrayal.

‘The longer we wait, the more entrenched we get in destructive patterns and resentment and all hope for change is lost.”

The longer we wait, the more entrenched we get in destructive patterns and resentment and all hope for change is lost. At a certain point we don’t even want change… we just want to be done.

The seven warning signs that a relationship is in trouble are:

1. Fighting has become the rule rather than the exception to the rule.

2. You find yourself looking outside the relationship for comfort, care, and understanding.

3. You can’t remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place.

4. There is little or no intimacy in your relationship — sleeping in different rooms or different beds, lack of interest, anger, and hostility so that intimacy is out of the question.

5. Spending very little time together, friends seem to be more important than your partner.

6. Reactions to situations are disproportionate to the content of the disagreement (i.e., feeling your partner doesn’t love you because she/he didn’t like the meal you cooked).

7. Feeling helpless and hopeless to change anything. Feeling done with the relationship, but unclear as to where to go and what to do. Feelings of anger, resentment, pain, and desperation are predominant.

If any or all of these describe you in your relationship, your relationship is in trouble and it won’t be long before something more drastic happens, such as an affair, arguments get worse and inflate with intensity, increased jealousy, silence for longer periods of time, and sometimes even physical and/or verbal abuse.

Before your relationship reaches that critical crisis point, look at the warning signs and do something before it’s too late:
  1. Seek psychotherapy
  2. Read books
  3. Talk to a spiritual/religious advisor
Without help, the relationship will never get better with time; once a certain level of resentment, anger, and hostility hits, it will simply get worse and worse. Avoiding a total crisis and saving the relationship is done by knowing when you’re in trouble and taking immediate action.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24165/dating-101-seven-warning-signs-of-a-troubled-relationship

Getty Images

Getty Images

Why do I find it so easy not to cheat?

Maybe I’m not very attractive,
so my options are limited. Maybe I’m too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I’m too afraid that I’ve reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.

Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don’t look for a way to hurt or deceive them.

I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.

I told her she wasn’t being fair to herself, me, or him.

Finally, she said, “you just don’t understand, there are things you don’t know.” Thing is she’s been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.

So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:

1. Bored
I’d say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It’s tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it’s still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.

2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.

3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.

4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I’d break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you’ll continue to take them back.

5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it’s not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it’s only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.

6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.

7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you’re in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you’re still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you’ve proven that a new person can be attracted to you.

8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.

9. They Don’t Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you’re “together,” and you think date #2 is when you’re “together.” If you haven’t talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.

I don’t understand why people don’t break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you’ve ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?

Posted by Rich

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/9-reasons-people-cheat-430729

Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it’s maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That’s why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they’ve tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit… and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country’s top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they’ve uncovered over the years — from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.

1. Act Out of Character. Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn’t follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. — Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia

2. Get in Touch a Lot. No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you’re watching TV and taking his hand when you’re walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. — Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of “Emotional Fitness for Couples”

3. Take Turns Talking. To make sure you both get a chance to state what’s on your mind during a disagreement — and get your points across — alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. — Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of “Opening Love’s Door”

4. Find the Intersection. When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let’s say you’re angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun… how about Miami? — Paul Dobransky, MD, author of “The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love”

5. Be More Positive Than Negative. There’s a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he’s always late, for example, try something like “You know, I love that you’re so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I’m sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time.” — Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD

6. Echo Each Other. When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it’s easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you’re not really listening to what’s being said. That’s why it’s important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you’ve been heard and you feel understood. — Yvonne Thomas

7. Take a Time-Out. Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it’s not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. — Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection

8. Have His Back. You might not agree with your guy when he’s had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side… and vice versa. Otherwise, you’ll both feel like you can’t count on each other. That doesn’t mean you have to take the “you’re so right” route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you’ll support him no matter what. — New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD

9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other. You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun — and meaningful — when they’re not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don’t go and blow your paycheck though. It’s not about being extravagant; it’s just a way of showing that you really get — and think about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. — Barton Goldsmith

10. Be a Good Date. Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don’t think you’re off the hook — if you’re feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box — dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. — Jennifer Oikle

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24240/dating-advice-top-10-relationship-tips

Kissing secrets revealed (Getty images)

Kissing is probably one of the best things you can do with your lips. It’s not just the most passionate way of getting close to your partner, it’s also something that enlightens your mood and adds zing to your love life.

So, what comes to your mind when you first think of kissing? A peck on the cheek or a passionate French kiss? Well, if you want to explore what turns on your mate or simply add creativity to your kissing techniques, here are some lip smacking ideas …

Reverse lip kiss – Remember the sensuous kiss exchanged between Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst in Spiderman ? You can re-create the sizzling kiss with your partner. Of course you can’t hang upside down like the famed super hero, so kiss your partner when he/she is lying down or seated. Come from behind and have them tilt their head backwards. Lower down your head and gently kiss their lower lip and feel your partner breathe on your neck. Abhishek, who works with a software company in Mumbai says, “My girlfriend really took me by surprise when I was working on my laptop. She came from behind, tilted my head backwards and gave me a kiss upside-down while I could feel her hair tickle my neck. I must confess I was quite impressed with her initiative and it really turned me on.”

Underwater kiss – Dive to the bottom of the swimming pool, embrace your lover under water and suck in as if you were sucking air from their mouth. Leave them gasping for breath just for a few seconds. By the time you run out of air, reach the top, breathe and get set for the act again. If you are a guy, just pull your babe up above the water, while remaining in the pool and gently caress her thighs while rolling your tongue around her navel to provide the ultimate erotic sensation. Ashish Singh (name changed on request) says, “I would love to lock lips with my girlfriend under water. I love water sports and I think it would just add to the sizzling underwater action. What can be more sensuous?”

Ring kiss – When you and your partner are sitting together on a couch or lazing in bed, gently hold his hand and start kissing. Then smoothly, suck a ring out of his finger with the help of your teeth. Roll your tongue and slide the ring slightly to hold it around your tongue. Then share a passionate kiss by rolling the tip of your tongue to trace his lips. Let him suck the ring from your tongue and you can try stealing it again, it will heat up the scene.

Foot kiss – This one’s not just amorous, but also an erotic gesture. Gently move your fingers on his/her bare foot. It may tickle your partner initially, but relax and enjoy the sensations! Then, gently kiss her foot and suck her toes. You can make the act even more intense by rolling an ice cube on her foot as you gradually move the cube up her legs and then to her inner thighs. “My partner turns me on by massaging my foot. He rubs his thumbs in circular motions from the heel to the toe and then sucks my toes one by one. Some people think it’s kinky, but you have to try it to believe it. It works for me and it’s even more fun if you do it in the 69 position and face each other’s feet,” says newly married Meenakshi (name changed on request) .

Nip kiss – When you kiss your partner next time, gently nibble on his/her lips. Be careful not to bite too hard and hurt them though. While smooching on one’s lips is enjoyable, use your imagination and try exploring other body parts as well. Nibbling on the neck, for instance, is a great turn on. If you do it well, this kiss ignites flames of passion that will arouse you to explore your beau’s body further. Arvind (name changed on request) , who got married a year ago, says, “If I really want to drive my wife wild, nibbling is the best way to do so. It makes her squirm with desire. It is the best foreplay act and gets you in the mood for more action. Biting her gently at the right time and the right place just makes her scream for more.”

Earlobe kiss – As the name suggests, gently sip and suck your partner’s earlobe. Cuddle close to your sweetheart, bite gently to make him/her moan and whisper something naughty. Let him hear you breathe and feel your wet lips. This will surely make him want you more than ever. However, take extra care to avoid loud, sucking noises.

“My hubby simply loves it when I bite him on his earlobe. And if I say something wild or naughty during the act, it sets his mood right. Just telling him what exactly I want him to do to me…the dirtiest of things makes him long for more,” says Suchita Mishra (name changed on request) from Pune.

24 Feb 2009, 0000 hrs IST, RAKSHITA PANDEY
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/3531113.cms

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