Thoughts To Live By…

Archive for the ‘Rules’ Category

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.

2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don’t make us guess.

4. If you ask a question for which you don’t want an answer, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship.”

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the seasons. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot, your exboyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

17. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar and leave a note a week before on the bathroom mirror.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your own oil.

24. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

25. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

26. It is in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect to act like soap-opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how much prettier you are?

31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the offramp, your saying, “This is our exit,” is not strictly necessary.

July 2020


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