Thoughts To Live By…

Posts Tagged ‘Humor

Girl:  When we get married, i want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, but i don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

Picture:  http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/lovers.htm

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God`s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don`t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” Satan asked, “Aren`t you afraid of me?” “Nope, sure ain`t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren`t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

Devilish Question:

If a devil catches your wife, what would you do?

Angelic Answer:  You can do nothing. If devil has committed a mistake let him face the consequences.

The night before her wedding, a girl kneels down to pray. She prays for 3 things:

“Dear God, please make my husband faithful to me.
“Dear God, please keep me from finding out when he is unfaithful to me.
“Dear God, please keep me from caring when I find out he is unfaithful to me.”

Joke told in Degollado, Mexico, summer of 1996

Do You know Why Do Men Sore ??
Look at these images to get the answer…


Wife is reading the book


Wife is ready to sleep now… and the husband started snoring…


Wife is sleeping and the snoring of the husband became louder…


Wife is unable to sleep because of husband’s snoring


Wife gets angry as she is not able to sleep due to her husband’s loud noisy snoring


Wife gets up from bed and moves out of the bedroom


Oh Gosh!! The Girlfriend of lady’s husband emerged out from the COT…!!!!

Now you know why do men snore right?..

Source: Emails4all.blogspot

They’re surprising. They’re baffling. And, often, they’re downright stupid. These laws about sex and sexuality defy explanation.

  • In London, it’s illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.
  • In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.
  • “Female breasts,” according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don’t constitute “private parts” under state law.
  • The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.
  • The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  • The T’ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals.
  • In London, it’s illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.
  • There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.
  • In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.
  • The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.
  • In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman’s husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.
  • The Romans would crush a first-time rapist’s gonads between two stones.
  • In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.
  • The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.
  • In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.
  • In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a “tendency to habitually kiss other humans.”
  • Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous ways.
  • Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.
  • In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception—prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
  • While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.
  • In Alabama, it’s against the law for a man to seduce “a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage.”
  • In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.
  • It’s illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
  • An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”





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