Thoughts To Live By…

Posts Tagged ‘Infidelity

It doesn’t pay to cheat on your wife. Straying husbands take note, look what happened to this one. Now the world knows he’s a rat. Stay faithful, if you know what’s good for you.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he’s subconsciously telling himself: “My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it.” You can’t simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it’ll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

“Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman says. “That’s another reason why it’s so critical that he feel valued at home.” Luckily, there’s a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it’s time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it’s only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he’d feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In most cases, he’s cheating to fill an emotional void,” Neuman says. “He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride.” If you’re worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter — it’s one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don’t hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what’s going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try “I think we’ve started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don’t want it to disappear.” In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

Article: Hearst Communications, Inc.

Marital Infidelity – The Facts
The facts about marital infidelity (sexual unfaithfulness to a spouse) are astounding. Polls show that although 90% of married people disapprove of extramarital relationships, statistics from a national survey indicate that 15% of wives and 25% of husbands have experienced extramarital intercourse. These numbers increase by 20% when emotional affairs and sexual relationships without intercourse are included. Another source, The Monogamy Myth, authored by Peggy Vaughan, approximates that 60% of husbands and 40% of wives will have an affair at some time in their marriage.

Marital Infidelity – The Truth
Another term for marital infidelity is adultery. The New Encyclopedia Britannica reports that, “adultery seems to be as universal and, in some instances, as common as marriage.” In fact, marriage researcher, Zelda West-meads, states that although much adultery is never discovered, “all the evidence points to affairs being on the increase.”

These statistics are shocking, but what is even more alarming is that they do not even come close to exposing the strong emotional impact that marital infidelity has on people’s lives. Imagine the inconsolable grief and pain, not to mention the confusion, anxiety, and sleepless nights that are all wrapped up in these percentages. When all is out in the open, the faithful spouse may survive the nightmare, but his or her scars will not easily heal, and the damage done to the marriage may never be completely repaired. Extra marital affairs can also take its toll in some long-term consequences that both spouses will have to deal with for many years, such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

Marital Infidelity – Why it Happens
The reasons for marital infidelity are as many and as varied as the people involved. Emily M. Brown, LCSW, Director of Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center, has categorized the reasons for extramarital affairs as follows: conflict avoidance, intimacy avoidance, sexual addiction, split self, and exit. Many of the reasons outlined here fit into one or more of these categories.

Interestingly, marital affairs are not always a sign of a troubled marriage. Some spouses succumb to the lure of an extramarital relationship as the result of experiencing abnormal stress over a normal lifestyle change, such as becoming a parent or an empty nester. So adultery can occur in happy marriages as well as unhappy ones. In some cases, the marriage partners may appear contented to outsiders, but the husband or wife begins an affair because of their own low self-esteem, habitual conflict avoidance, or fear of intimacy. The faithful spouse has worked hard for the marriage; but no matter how hard they work, the unfaithful spouse is going to have an affair because of their own deficiencies. Other reasons for marital infidelity are typically symptomatic of an unhealthy, and often, failing marriage. These are things like the lack of affection between the marriage partners, the sexual addiction of one or both spouses, the feelings of sexual entitlement based on gender or status, and the means of exiting from an unhappy marriage.

No matter how marital infidelity is categorized, all of the reasons are like a disease that eats away at the roots of a healthy plant to eventually kill it. Marital infidelity can never be the cure for that disease. Instead, extramarital affairs cause the disease to metastasize like cancer, and soon the entire marriage is infected and extreme measures must be taken to save it.


As painful as infidelity can be, it can serve as an opportunity to work on and strengthen a relationship. Experts emphasize the importance of couples counseling and the support of loved ones when on the road to recovery from infidelity.

Hatfield (2003) provides the following nine steps for overcoming infidelity:

•  In order to move on, the infidelity must end.

•  Be ready for “ups and downs after infidelity.” It’s normal to have rough patches.

•  The partner who committed infidelity must open up and talk about the affair to their betrayed spouse.

•  Though it may feel uncomfortable or unfair, the person who had committed infidelity must be totally accountable to their spouse, providing daily details on where they go, who they see, etc. —whatever it takes to rebuild trust.

•  The partner who had an affair must be willing to renew his or her promise of faithfulness to their partner and provide genuine assurance that they will not commit infidelity again.

•  The person who was betrayed must be given as much time as necessary to move on, even though the person who strayed may want to move on more quickly.

•  The reasons and motivation behind the infidelity must be determined and used to create a plan for preventing infidelity in the future.

•  Both people in the marriage must make a commitment to rebuilding their relationship. Even the betrayed partner must consider how they may have contributed to their partner’s infidelity.

•  Try couples counseling or marriage education classes that address infidelity.

Of course, not all marriages survive infidelity. If therapy and efforts to reconnect and forgive fail, the best decision may be to end the marriage. Lusterman 1998 points out that it is healthy to end a marriage affected by infidelity when, having given it the deepest effort possible, it becomes clear that the relationship is can not work.

Those who leave a marriage in order to pursue a relationship rooted in infidelity will most often be disappointed. Lusterman explains that while affairs may feel like they are based on intensely powerful and real connections, such relationships are shielded from life’s realities such that one’s perceptions of the relationship and their partner in infidelity are distorted and unrealistic. Once the relationship is grounded in everyday life, the excitement of the relationship and idealized image of the partner quickly disappear.

Source: www.

December 2019
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