Thoughts To Live By…

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage

Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it’s maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That’s why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they’ve tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit… and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country’s top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they’ve uncovered over the years — from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.

1. Act Out of Character. Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn’t follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. — Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia

2. Get in Touch a Lot. No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you’re watching TV and taking his hand when you’re walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. — Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of “Emotional Fitness for Couples”

3. Take Turns Talking. To make sure you both get a chance to state what’s on your mind during a disagreement — and get your points across — alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. — Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of “Opening Love’s Door”

4. Find the Intersection. When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let’s say you’re angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun… how about Miami? — Paul Dobransky, MD, author of “The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love”

5. Be More Positive Than Negative. There’s a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he’s always late, for example, try something like “You know, I love that you’re so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I’m sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time.” — Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD

6. Echo Each Other. When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it’s easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you’re not really listening to what’s being said. That’s why it’s important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you’ve been heard and you feel understood. — Yvonne Thomas

7. Take a Time-Out. Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it’s not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. — Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection

8. Have His Back. You might not agree with your guy when he’s had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side… and vice versa. Otherwise, you’ll both feel like you can’t count on each other. That doesn’t mean you have to take the “you’re so right” route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you’ll support him no matter what. — New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD

9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other. You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun — and meaningful — when they’re not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don’t go and blow your paycheck though. It’s not about being extravagant; it’s just a way of showing that you really get — and think about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. — Barton Goldsmith

10. Be a Good Date. Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don’t think you’re off the hook — if you’re feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box — dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. — Jennifer Oikle

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24240/dating-advice-top-10-relationship-tips

The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we all face after we walk down the aisle — and how they teach us about what love really means.

“…And they lived happily ever after.”

You’re smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you’re the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I’ve been there. Let’s face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain’t always pretty.

That may sound grim. But here’s a secret: Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.

Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale.  Full article

Find this article at: http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/marriage/no-one-tells-marriage

What is your opinion about Marriage? Below are the opinions of some renowned great personalities. Do read them.

  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
    David Bissonette
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
    Sacha Guitry

  • After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
    Hemant Joshi

  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
    Socrates
  • Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
    Dumas
  • The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
    Sigmund Freud

  • I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
    Anonymous

  • “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
    Henny Youngman

  • “I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
    Sam Kinison

  • “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
    James Holt McGavran

  • “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
    Patrick Murray

  • Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
    1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
    Nash

  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
    Anonymous

  • You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
    Henny Youngman

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
    Rodney Dangerfield

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
    Milton Berle

  • Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
    Anonymous

Picture: http://www.surfersam.com

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever'”

“Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last'”

Picture: http://www.killsometime.com

This is a checklist that every married couple should keep taped to their refrigerator or their computer or their bathroom mirror – wherever they may see it every single day. If you know someone who is going to be married, include it in a note or a card to them. I try to look at this list as often as I can – because it helps and it serves as a healthy reminder to make better choices and to be more effective when I communicate with my spouse.

  1. Don’t Be Judgemental – You need to avoid words and phrases that attack your spouse and speculate on their flaws real or imagined. (i.e. You are so selfish – you are so stupid sometimes – look at you, you can’t even have a conversation without acting like you are five – oh, poor you – wah wah wah)
  2. Skip the Labels – Don’t slap a label on your spouse – calling them a jerk or any other four or five letter word is an attack on them and not on what they said, did or requested
  3. Use I communication – We’ve talked about this before, don’t use the word You when you are talking about a problem – instead talk about I (i.e. I feel overwhelmed or I am being pulled in too many directions, I need help)
  4. Skip the History Lesson – You don’t need to drag up every incident that ever happened in the last five years of your relationship – it’s important to be constructive and not destructive (i.e. We had this conversation every month for the last 12 months, you never listen – instead try: We have tried to resolve this before, can you help me think of ways we can avoid having this same argument next month?)
  5. Eliminate the Negative – We are none of us perfect, constantly reminding your spouse of their flaws is not going to help them in any way – in fact, it’s more likely to do harm than good (i.e. You are hopeless! Instead try: how can I help to make this work better for both of us?)
  6. Use description, not attacks – You want to communicate what is happening to you and how you feel – not emote and scream at them so they have to guess (i.e. You always do this to me! – instead try: Yes, I am angry and I am frustrated. I need your help.)
  7. Don’t bottle up your body language – When was the last time you wanted to talk to someone who had their arms folded or their back to you with their shoulders bunched up – we communicate nonverbally extremely well and we can see when people are not wanting to listen much less hear us, try to relax your shoulders and keep your arms down, look at them and not away – take deep cleansing breaths if you need to
  8. Don’t Caption Your Message – Say what you mean and say what you feel – tell them the whole of it and not just the highlights. You aren’t delivering the top ten reasons why you are unhappy in pithy commentary, you want to use all forms of communication to express yourself – whether you are conveying positive or negative messages
  9. Don’t Threaten – Threats put someone in a corner – they demand acquiescence and promise consequences – too many people will do exactly the opposite because they don’t want to be threatened and a marriage needs cooperation and not intimidation; persistant use of threats will damage and could destroy a relationship
  10. You are No a Mind Reader – Avoid assumptions, you are not a mind reader and neither is your spouse – their silence may indicate they are listening to you intently and not ignoring you; ask and be clear in your statements – remember what they say about assuming

These ten tips can help you avoid arguments due to miscommunication and can provide you with tools to repair miscommunication that will occur. Understand, you and your spouse are going to disagree. You are going to misunderstand sometimes and there will be fights. The more effectively you communicate with each other – the more likely you will be able to resolve differences and keep the channels of communication open.

Article: Heather Long
Picture: http://www.funny-photo-pictures.blogspot.com

It doesn’t pay to cheat on your wife. Straying husbands take note, look what happened to this one. Now the world knows he’s a rat. Stay faithful, if you know what’s good for you.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he’s subconsciously telling himself: “My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it.” You can’t simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it’ll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

“Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman says. “That’s another reason why it’s so critical that he feel valued at home.” Luckily, there’s a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it’s time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it’s only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he’d feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In most cases, he’s cheating to fill an emotional void,” Neuman says. “He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride.” If you’re worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter — it’s one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don’t hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what’s going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try “I think we’ve started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don’t want it to disappear.” In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

Article: Hearst Communications, Inc.
Picture: http://www.lifeisajoke.com


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